skipping town

for some reason, i can never sleep on a night before i have to fly somewhere. i think it's because i’m carefully planning out all of the important things that i need to put in my checked baggage so the airline can lose them. this time around, i tried to go to bed at midnight, which sounds late, but is, in fact, pretty good, considering i put charlie to bed at 11:00 and then packed, cleaned, balanced the checkbook, and wrote a note telling joe where every conceivable item he might need while i was gone was located in the house. it didn't matter anyway, because i couldn't sleep until 2:00 a.m. during that time, i pelted God with inane questions like, "why can't i ever have an excess of adrenaline when the dishes are piled up in the sink twelve feet high and the energy would be useful?" He didn't answer me directly, but i'm definitely going to save that one for when i get to heaven.

so, to sleep at 2:00, and up at 5:45. i guess adrenaline is useful sometimes. i launched out of bed and ping-ponged off of the ceiling wide awake and ready to go through airport security. unfortunately i fell three quarters of the way back asleep during the drive to the airport, so when i actually got to security, i was mostly inclined to stumble and drool on myself. i guess this worked in my favor though: i didn't look like a threat.

flying to winnipeg via minneapolis was an exciting prospect. i've never been out of the country before, and i was also going to get a sister-in-law in the bargain. but before that i had to get nauseated, pained, and then menaced by border security. i never fly well, and this time around, i was on a little 60 seat job, near the back, with a window seat. it sounds like a good setup. it would have been a good setup if the individual next to me had not been large enough to take up half of my seat as well as hers. that made it a little cramped. add to that a ten year old boy in the seat in front of me with exhibitionist tendencies who gave the entire plane a blow-by-blow analysis at 100 decibels of everything he noticed outside the window and on the flight attendant’s cart, complete with dramatic screaming when we hit minor turbulence. i couldn't decide whom to smack-- him or his parents-- so i just had to grimace and bear it.

the next plane was bigger and i was relieved. that is, until i realized that "e" comes between "d" and "f." oh, joy-- the middle seat of three, and right on top of the turbine too. to top it off, the man to the right of me felt compelled to fall asleep in the sprawling pose with which my two year old son usually occupies his crib. then the two rows of men behind me had a spirited discussion at the top of their voices about all of the possible hunting and fishing spots in the entire world, how many times they've been to them, and the exact dimensions of everything they ever killed in each. had i not been to ill to speak, i might have found myself pushed beyond good manners to turn around and tell them that the plane they were on was about to become numbered among those great hunting spots, as i was going to shoot them if they didn't keep it down to a dull roar.

but all good times must end, so we landed in winnipeg, and i, significantly greener than usual, staggered through customs. this was a fun experience.
"what is your destination?"
"canada, obviously."
"how long will you be staying?"
"three days."
"what is the purpose of your visit?"
"i'm going to my brother's wedding."
"you were born in the states?"
"yes."
"why is your brother getting married here?"
"because he's marrying a canadian. why, isn't that allowed?"
"will you be taking any fruits or vegetables to the wedding?"
"yes. where i come from, we pelt the newlyweds with artichokes as they run down the isle."

obviously, i didn't say some of what i was thinking, or he would've invited me to stay in canada a lot longer, in a holding cell.

winnipeg is a pleasant city, except for any time you want to drive anywhere. then you wonder if the place was laid out by a drunken orangutan. there’s actually a place called “confusion corner.” and that was where the church was. but it turned out fine. after getting lost twice on the trip to the rehearsal, my parents and i were well prepared for the drive to the wedding. one simply has to treat merging as a personal challenge, and everything goes smoothly.

joel and sue’s wedding was simple and beautiful. sue had flowers in her hair and a jade necklace, but none of it compared to her beatific smile. joel looked at her in a way he has truly never looked at another person, and i knew that his heart had been moved by her as it had never moved before.

afterwards, i was as certain of their shared love for each other as i was of their shared desire to punch the next person who aimed a camera at them or blew bubbles in their faces. as the best man said, though, when you get married in a public ceremony, you bring such things upon yourself.

everywhere i went those three days, there were mother’s kissing their little boys on the tops of their heads. three days turned out to be a long time to be so far away from the top of charlie’s head.

the return trip was almost as fun as the way out had been. my flight was at 7:30 in the morning and when you have to go back through the border authority, they want you to get there three days ahead of time. okay, ninety minutes. at any rate, we set our alarm for 4:45 just to be on top of things. we got checked out and loaded in plenty of time so that we could get lost and do three u-turns on the way to the airport. my parents navigating is a lot like a three stooges routine, not because they can’t read a map, but because they can’t agree on what to do after they’ve read it. however, we eventually found a route that all parties could agree on. i didn’t care. i was too slaphappy from lack of sleep. we were almost to the airport, when mom brought up the question of whether or not we were going to be there early enough. i noticed that the vehicle clock said 6:01. but i was relatively sure that was the indiana time, meaning that locally it would’ve been 5:01. i said, “mom, i think i’m going to have a ridiculous amount of time.” when we all realized that it was, in fact, five in the morning manitoba time, a debate ensued as to how on earth that might have happened. we never did figure it out, but i definitely had enough time to go through customs and then fall sound asleep on a bench at the gate and almost miss my flight.

i made it onboard only to find myself in seat “e” again. this time it was okay because everyone else was too tired to be obnoxious, and i firmly claimed my arm rest so that no uncouth sprawling could happen on either side of me. i fell asleep before we began to taxi, and woke up when the wheels hit the tarmac in minneapolis.

in minneapolis i had so much time i could’ve crab walked from arrival gate to departure gate, then sat and read a book until i was tired again. that was when they announced a delay because of a problem with the aircraft. always a fun thing to hear before you get into a vehicle that is going to take you 35,000 feet in the air. still, i exercised my uncanny ability to fall asleep anywhere under any circumstances and went to sleep on the floor tucked up next to one of the gate desks. i woke up in a panic. i don’t know whether that was because i was afraid i’d missed my flight or because of the two children who came running past my head like a herd of rhinos every thirty seconds. they were seriously old enough to know better. i felt like teaching them to be considerate of others by stretching right as they came level with my leg but, as it turned out, i was seriously old enough to know better too.

when we did finally get on the plane, i actually had a very good seat: last row, next to the window. i watched the midwest pass beneath us until i fell asleep, and then awoke just before landing. unfortunately, when i landed in cincinnati, it seems my bag had planned a more extensive trip. which brings me back to that night of sleeplessness and careful planning.