And Now For Something Completely Different

You never have to break into the mall at midnight again to satisfy your Auntie Anne's craving, because these pretzels are better.

Step 1: Dissolve 2.25 tsp of active dry yeast in 2 Tbsp. of very warm (110-120 degrees F) water. Let mixture froth for 10 minutes. Optional: stand over this mixture in a pointy, black hat chanting, "Double, double! Toil and trouble! Fire, burn! and cauldron bubble!" and cackling in a stereotypical witch manner.

Step 2: Mix in 1/3 cup brown sugar and 1 and 1/3 cups warm water and let that stand for 10 again. Repeat chant, if you haven't grown bored of it, but don't get carried away. This recipe does not call for eye of newt, wing of bat, or skin of toad.

 

Step 3: Slowly add 4 cups of flour, stirring constantly until the dough comes loose from the sides of the bowl. Flour your hands and knead dough until it is stretchy and nonsticky. Give that dough some tough love. Even dough needs to be kneaded. If you have any kitchen apparatus with a dough hook and don't believe in kitchen displays of affection, this works too.

Step 4: Let the dough rest for 30 minutes. While the dough is resting (and really, why does it need to rest when you're doing all the work?) measure cups of water into a low sided pan, keeping count until the pan is 3/4 full. For each cup of water, add one Tbsp of baking soda. Start this heating up to a gentle boil.

Step 5: Preheat the oven to 475 F. Grease a couple of baking sheets with spray butter or cooking spray and sprinkle them lightly with coarse salt, garlic salt, cinnamon sugar, or whatever coats your boat... your pretzel, I mean.

Step 6: If your lazy teenage dough is done "resting," begin tearing off pieces about the size of a large egg and rolling them into strips about 14 inches long. Now comes the fun part.

 

Step 7: Biting your lip hard to contain your urge to swear, twist the dough strips into a pretzel shape by crossing the ends about three inches in from each tip, giving the resulting loop a single twist, and then folding this over on itself. Or, if that just seems like way too much of a pain in the pretzel, make them into twist sticks, circles, hearts, or whatever shape your giddy 'eart desires.

Step 8: Is the water gently boiling? Good. Take a slotted spatula or other implement of kitchen torture, and dip the pretzels, one by one, into the boiling baking soda water for about 30 seconds each before removing them and plopping them on your prepared baking sheet. Sprinkle the still wet, randomly shaped dough with more coarse salt to taste.

Step 9: Bake your lovely creations for about 7 to 8 minutes until they are golden brown.

 

Step 10: Remove your pretzels from the oven and sneak away to the laundry room closet with a bowl of melted butter, ranch dressing, hot cheese sauce, or cinnamon cream cheese (or whatever) and hide while eating both pans full (about 12 medium sized hot pretzels) before your family can discover them and descend upon them like a flock of attack-trained, rabid vultures.

Or share, if that's your schtick, but I don't recommend it. You might have to resort to stabbing small boys with tooth picks just to get to keep one pretzel for yourself...