Answer to My High School Self

Sometimes it's fun to look back through old photos and writings and see who you used to be, half your lifetime ago. And sometimes, you just think, "Wow! How did I live this long being so stupid and arrogant?" Lucky you! I'm going to take you on the Odyssey with me!

when i grow up

when i grow up
i'm going to live alone
in an immaculate little apartment
with very sparse furniture.
i only want a bed for sleeping,
a table for eating,
a chair for reading,
and a shelf for books.
i will hang my own drawings
and collect only the best books,
which include classics,
and those written by my friends.
i will eat pasta often
and broccoli when i like
and drink a lot of caffeinated beverages.
i won't keep any pets
except maybe a small reptile
in case i get lonely.
i'm going to listen to whatever music
however loudly i like at odd hours.
there will candles on the floor
and no tv.
i will go out to movies alone--
maybe even twice if i like them.
i'll write letters home
and go on holidays
but not if dad is in a bad mood.
i will live this way when i grow up.

Dear Self, Now That You Have Grown Up

Dear Self,
               Now that you've grown up,
you've decided that you like capital letters.
You've also found that you often wonder
when you "officially" became a grown up.

Living alone proves impossible
when you have two kids.
Kids don't even like to let you be
alone in the bathroom.

"Immaculate" also only applies to
"conception" when you have four
people making messes and
one point five of them cleaning. Just saying.

Husbands also tend to want you
to live in the same house and share
a bed. Four people seem
to require rather a lot of furniture.

Your husband seems to require
rather a lot of books.
His are mostly nonfiction.
The only classics

you own are the ones you found
you actually enjoyed in college.
Sorry, I guess I'm not as much
of an intellectual as you were.

Also, I hate to break it to you,
but you did, in fact, read
the Twilight Saga.
Not that you will admit that in public.

But hey, we do tend to eat a lot
of pasta. And occasional broccoli.
But not the kids.
Not even under extreme duress.

Oh, and by the way,
I discovered in college
that caffeinated beverages
turn us into a raving lunatic

so that part of the dietary plan
is out. But hey, avocados
are really really good.
And you never knew that until now!

For company, lizards really
kind of suck. Not that I don't still
like them. They're cool...
well, actually, cold. Blooded. Get it!?

Anyway....I've found that dogs are much
better friends when you're lonely. Unfortunately
though, I've kind of lost count of the cats
we've gone through since moving

to the country. Yes, you moved to
the country. You found out you like
quiet and actually
kind of hate loud music

or any music of any kind. Ever.
Because kids are loud
and adding a sound track
just gives you vertigo.

No TV... Well, I still
agree with you on that one but,
ashamed to say, sometimes the only
time you get to wash dishes

is when those two unexpected kids
are "stupefying themselves." But at least
you've trained them to call the TV
the "dumb box." So, ten points

to Ravenclaw! Oh, you disdained the first
book of the Harry Potter series when
you were in high school. But they're seven
of the books you have on your

(more than one) shelves now.
Movies, for the most part,
are out. For one thing
most of them are a waste

of two good hours of your life.
For another, you have to watch
what you play in front of those kids.
Avengers was good, though.

I don't want to spoil it for you
but the best part was when Hulk
punched Thor. Or maybe
when he trashed Loki.

But I digress.
Where was I?
You don't write letters home.
That's why you have a blog!

That, and to share this crappy poetry.

Oh, and Dad? Sorry for the
teenaged commentary on
your moods. I was one to talk

wasn't I?